in the event of my

reed quintet and fixed media, 2019

      When I was in high school, there was a block near me that had a Chinese restaurant, a big craft store, and a shoddy movie theater. When the Chinese place shut down, I realized none of the kids in the area after us would share the memory of trying to bring too many people to sit at one table, ordering the wrong thing off the menu, and then stressing about getting to a movie on time. The craft store and the movie theater shut down not long after.

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Context

I wrote this while dealing with the strange sensation of becoming a person again, after spending a few years emotionally blockading myself. I woke up a little more every day, and for a period of a few months, I was acutely aware of all the little things that could kill me. I'd imagine driving off the road into a pond, or wondering if a large hydraulic projector would crush me if it fell.

These experiences aren't atypical for anyone, but their increased frequency was enough to be notable. On the one hand, perhaps this fits the trope of being more cautious and less likely to take risks as you grow older. But personally, I think I was becoming more acutely aware of how precious it all was. After thinking about it and talking about it, it seemed like I was suddenly understanding how much I had to lose.

So - this piece is about dyings and endings. A bit of saying goodbye to a part of myself, a bit of attempting to understand morbidity as freedom.